I was at a local bar tonight.

Windsorites, you know it as Rockhead. A stranger was next to me by himself so after a couple of drinks I worked up the courage to ask him why, exactly, he was there by himself.

I enjoy talking to strangers so hearing his life story in a drunken slur made me feel like I had somehow changed his night, if at least a little bit. It was nice. Just without strings, no one hitting on anyone, no one asking for anyones number, just talking like youre friends and then you leave the bar and that’s the end of that. 

#personal  

Mobbed.

What the fuck kind of show is this, Howie Mandel?! You just made this poor man go through a ridiculous dance audition and sit through your idiocy, made him believe that he has to prove to you that he deserves to meet his real father, after 37 years, for the first time. What the fuck is wrong with television. These gimmicks are ridiculous.

#mobbed  #personal  

I’m supposed to paint a piece as a housewarming gift to a friend.

She would prefer something abstract but I’m afraid that she’ll see past it and into the anger I’ve been feeling towards this whole situation as of late. Seeing as we don’t speak as often as we used to, and she was my maid of honour before I broke off the engagement. I want it to bring peace and calmness, I don’t want her wondering why she feels anger when she looks at it.

Or maybe I give people too much credit. Maybe it’s just supposed “artists” who look past just a picture. 

#personal  

Since there isn’t a print of this piece available, and I’m currently poor, I decided to paint my own Audrey Kawasaki piece. I love her artwork and wanted something for my own wall. 

#personal  #audrey kawasaki  #wood painting  

Much better today.

I honestly don’t understand myself. I was hysterical the other day and I’m fucking peachy today. I’m still just as angry with the same people for the same reasons but with a lot less irrationality. I’m calm and collected and know exactly where to focus my energy.

Oh the joys of sleeping and watching mindless TV shows.

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I think I’m officially down to just a couple, if that many, friends.

It’s refreshing to know where people stand right now. A bunch of closed-minded assholes who couldn’t give two fucks about my side of the story. Too ignorant with their ~lifestyle to give a shit about anything besides what’s on the surface. Because to ask questions is to actually get into a conversation about something, and have to use your brain to come up with responses, and I guess I know how difficult that can be.. yeah? Yeah. Sounds about right.

I’m really bitter right now. I miss Jennie. I fear that I’ll never be able to develop any more deep, meaningful friendships after the ones I already have because people have proven themselves to be the worst in the situations you need them the most. My expectations are higher and now, because I have a backbone and can stand up for myself, people are turned off at the fact that they can’t use me anymore. I’m not a doormat, I’m an outspoken human being. Maybe a little too outspoken at times but you all made me this way.

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I was in such a deep sleep this morning.

Usually I feel exhausted when I wake up because my dreams are all over the place and I tend to remember them every damn day.

This time, I woke up and it was as if I went on a little vacation. My mind floated back into my body just as I opened my eyes and I actually felt rested.

If I could get sleep like this more often, maybe I wouldn’t stay up so late.

#personal  

I answer and reply to all of your woe’s in life, even with my own going on.

So how is it that I can ask if you’re okay, give you advice and help you out, when I don’t get the same in return?

#personal  

I contradict myself so often that, eventually, I make a valid point.

There’s no mystery behind it. That’s it. 

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I just wanna believe in us.

Please please please PLEASE universe let everything work out for him. For me, too, but mostly for him. I just want everything to be okay :(. Everything is so sad and happy at the same time and it’s confusing as shit. Oh how complicated love is. I want to go back 2.5 years to my virgin self and tell her how much more ridiculous relationships are when you’re actually in one. And how odd a separation can be.

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If my Tumblr wasn’t depressing enough..

honestly.

I think I’m just sick of the tug-o-war relationship we had/have/whatever going. I’ve broken up with him 4 times in 2.5 years. Why am I so awful? 2 of the times were understandable (believe me.) but these two I just cannot get out of my head.

WHYYY can’t it just be simple. I need someone with knowledge to give me some advice. Just.. any advice. Not something fucking generic I can google on the internet. Just something new, something I can use. 

#personal  

The internet is of NO help.

I wrote this August 10, 2010:

+ be open and honest with me 
+ man up to your mistakes 
+ make me laugh and smile 
+ love me for me, for my past mistakes and the future ones i will make 
+ compliments are a bonus 
+ respect me to the fullest 
+ cute gestures and spontaneity :) 
+ do nice things just because 
+ brag about me whenever he gets the chance 
+ reassure me what you’re here for 
+ trust me and i’ll trust you 
+ give me your whole heart and not a smidgen less 
+ talk to me about your day, your wishes, your dreams, your life, your thoughts.. just because you want to feel close and connected to me 
+ take cute pictures with me, go on dates with me, hold my hand, and all those cute boyfriend-like things 
+ encourage me to live to my fullest potential and nothing less 
+ be comfortable around no matter WHAT 
+ hold me tightly and tell me everything will be okay 

Maybe the ‘do nice things just because’ or “talk to me about your day, wish, dreams, life, thoughts…” didn’t apply but all the rest did. is that why I feel so guilty? I broke up with him and I’m the one missing work and driving around aimlessly for hours blasting Brand New and smoking cigarettes. The internet is of no help. There’s a fine line between boyfriend and fiancé. It’s so much easier to be a boyfriend than a man preparing for the future. When you propose, that is the moment you have to prove to her that you are everything she wants and more. We fought every other day about the dumbest shits. I’ve broken things because of how frustrated I would get. The only time I felt we got along was when he was asleep. The moment I’d way up I’d resent him and I lost the “in-love” portion of the relationship. 

He’s been living with me and my parents for two years now and in those two years has fucked up so many times. Has bought 4 cars, wasting money on every single one, not even giving a shit that we shouldn’t be living under my parents roof. 

I tried to be understanding of his hobby but it got to me. Over and over and over. We have nothing in common and aren’t excited to do anything for each other when it doesn’t involve our own interests. He hates my movies and I hated his cars. He hates my music and I hate his sound systems. Like.. such stupid shit and I don’t know if any of it is even relevant anymore. Why don’t movies show this kind of stuff?

I got sick of paying for every single date we went on. Money isn’t supposed to be a big issue when it comes to love but it definitely got in between us. ESPECIALLY when I think about the future. If we’re supposed to get married and have a house and careers and a future together, the way this has been going for 2.5 years is not the way I imagined the rest of my life would be.

And honestly I just want someone to make up my mind for me but that’s impossible. I’m going back to school but I don’t know if he has the ambition to. I’m not perfect in this relationship either, I let my emotions get the better of me but I’m just so exhausted. I don’t know what to do. 

#personal  

We broke up just in time for Valentines Day.

This is going to be rough.

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I swear I’m a happy person.

But when the wee hours of the night come around and I’m left with my thoughts, all I want to do is spill them out into something or someone. I have no one to talk to so I’m dumping it into Tumblr. 

#personal  

I’ve been waiting for this silence and it isn’t quite suitable. A never ending circle of whose who and what’s what. Never quite reaching a solution because it’s never laid out on the table.. And when its tried it’s never quite solved. For a future glimpse, how could that be right? Just a constant. 

I can’t do this. It isn’t what I want. And maybe a compromise isn’t supposed to be reached but an end. Just a thought before we fall into a ditch in the middle of nowhere. 
Are we working towards a dead end, and just staying in this for the sake of sanity? Or safety? 
I feel like a progression is never quite achievable. Maybe it’s on my end, which is completely understandable. I feel like I’m never quite there and I never will quite make it there whether it’s physically or mentally. Whatever the interpretation may be, it isn’t achievable. For your sake, get out. It’s just like that and it’s time. I get up and never reach and end of day but keep reliving the same one over and over.

#personal